Help a girl out
I was helping a girl who was uncertain and perhaps not getting the kind of guidance she needed by the absence of another person familiar with feminine nuance. And maybe I planted a seed in her mind that she has choices in how she expresses herself.
You never know where inspiration will hit you. I was checking out that wall in Costco near the home goods and alcohol aisles where I recently discovered the practically free merchandise. And by free, I mean "get this crap the hell out of the store" $3 for a set of two balaclavas and today, a $3 crossbody bag that I was asked to advise on by a father whose maybe 5th grade-ish daughter couldn't make up her mind regarding color: burgundy or black. I told them I always go with black, as it goes with everything and it's one of my favorite colors. I showed her my black purse and stated that I may have a lighter bag in the summer, but I always generally have a black bag. Her dad pointed out that she liked color, but she was still unsure. At $3, I suggested getting both and even if you wind up not using both of them, it's only $3. It seemed to still be a one choice deal and she finally decided on the black. As we finished up, I remarked that black is always a good choice and that she may go through a goth phase one day, so it will be handy. Dad's response gave multiple messages: Amusement at my suggestion, but also an "oh shit, that could happen" and maybe a "not my daughter!" Hard to tell. He had like 5 children (mostly boys, I think) with him, they were everywhere and initially in my way. Dad had to be into his 30s. Very early 40s, max. I hypothesized he was conservative based on his age, the number of offspring, and the multi-faceted reaction to my statement, but we were also in Costco, a liberal oasis. Granted, conservatives do partake in the spoils of liberalism, though won't admit it. Regardless of political leanings, my input felt valuable. I was helping a girl who was uncertain and perhaps not getting the kind of guidance she needed by the absence of another person familiar with feminine nuance. And maybe I planted a seed in her mind that she has choices in how she expresses herself. For dad, a reminder that while she may be a child now, she does have agency and the right to self-expression. I do leave room for the fact that I could be completely full of shit.
This vignette made me start to reflect on how women support other women, how childless cat ladies like myself have mothering instincts, and the hope for today's young women to advance their independence from patriarchal norms beyond what my generation was able to do. This post won't be about that, but I might return to those topics one day. What I want to talk about today is female friendship.
My closest, longtime friends or besties, right now, are men. I don't know how that happened. I've had various female friends throughout my life, but those fizzled out after a relatively brief period, due to my social anxiety and uncertainty how to act, lack of understanding that some friendships naturally fade away, or the impetuous nature of youth influenced by hormonal shifts and patriarchal grooming. My male friend "roster," as my woman friend S called them recently, consists of a gay man, an NYC man I met on AOL with whom I have a mutually platonic only dynamic, and an ex boyfriend. I've had times when I've given up on female friendships. I felt hurt, disregarded, or things just didn't click. I realize now that I didn't really know and like/love myself and that it has affected all of my relationships and friendship. Why the male friendships persisted, I don't know. Maybe it didn't have to do with their gender but who they were, that they saw through my bullshit and who I was and that I felt comfortable being myself with them. I have had a few good women co-workers friends that I've connected with. One I no longer work with and we email and video chat maybe once a year. The bond is still there. We experienced some interesting times together. I have a current coworker, who I've known for a long time whom I trauma bonded with last year. We've always gotten along. We're not besties, but we can talk truthfully with each other. I've gotten her to go to some films with me last winter. I got out the habit of going to films or anything really. I need to get back in the habit and ask her to join me again. I went back to school in 2010 for a post-master's certificate and bonded with a classmate. Even though she's no longer in librarianship, we stay in contact. An email and a video chat about once a year. She's a hoot. Then there's S. She's the one that pulled me into my old friend's group like 20 years ago. Early last year, she reached out for a hang and was genuinely interested in knowing more about me and getting me out of my shell. I was just starting to emerge from my trauma and exploring myself and the world, then opening my eyes to the patriarchy and all the bullshit around me. She challenged me, got mad at me at times, but has been supportive all around.
S reaching out made me realize how important female friendships really are. We've all been through the same bullshit and can support each other. We are all waking up at different times. It does get frustrating watching as another isn't waking up as fast as you'd like them to, but it's a process. The rest of us continue to call the bullshit out when we see it and offer support for others when we see it's needed. That's how women have gotten this far, with each other. Even in the aisles at Costco.
Postscript
I have more to say about the topics I bring up in this post, but the past few months have been exhausting, leaving little time for contemplating or writing. I think that time has passed and I'll be able to return to more detailed writing. Onward!
