What's self-love (plus the patriarchy and nervous system) got to do with it?

Some bullshit I've heard my entire life was that in order to truly love someone, you have to love yourself first. I mean, yeah, I'm ok I guess, but this powerful reaction happening inside my nervous system proves that I am in love, so I can dislike part of myself and be in love at the same time, right? Add a heaping tablespoon of patriarchal teachings to this reaction and you're sunk. The years go by and one day you are 55, have never married or been close to that, had one long term relationship that helped point you in the right direction, after decades of conditioning, negative patterns, and two relatively shortish, but significant, relationships that sharpened your patterns and turned them even more against you, and you're left wondering "what the hell happened?"

Let's start at the beginning. My parents met and married when they were both in the Air Force and stationed just outside of London. They were both 26 when they tied the knot. It was 1968 and mom was a spinster. It says so on her British marriage certificate (Dropped in 2005, thanks gay marriage!). But the world thought so too. She was an old maid. Her mother didn't even think she'd marry. I'm not sure why, but when my mom finished nursing school, she sought adventure and service, not following the path expected of her by society, that to find a husband and start having kids right away. Growing up, my mom told my sisters and I to wait until we were at least 26 to get married. Live you life and follow your dreams first. That was my oft repeated refrain "I'm not getting married until I'm at least 26." Though living my life for me, I did succumb to that patriarchal pull to find a man, to be chosen. And if you weren't chosen, something must be wrong with you. I had a difficult time being chosen. I was painfully shy when I was younger. When a boy would express interest in me, it terrified me and I'd get angry at them so they'd leave me alone. My first Valentine was in the 5th grade when the boy I was always perennially seated by, due to seating charts being in alphabetical order, asked me to join him in the cloak room where he gave me a heart shaped box of chocolates. I initially refused and he said he'd tell everyone in class about his gift, so I'm all "Fine!" and shoved the heart in my bookbag. His affections weren't something I knew how to handle, so I panicked. At least he knew where I stood. I don't believe we spoke of it again. Granted, there were only a couple boys throughout school that were obvious about their interest and my shyness caused me to blend into the background so as not be noticed. However, that conflicted with my desire to be noticed by certain boys who caught my eye, though I wouldn't know what to do if they did. My first experience with a boy (complete mentality of) was actually in college. Nope, never dated in high school, no prom, maybe that's what's wrong with me. It was a pretty fucked up relationship and I wound up ending it (I'm not sure why he didn't end it. He had already started to move on with someone else) about a year later when I could no longer tolerate the emotional and psychological pain I was in. I blamed myself for the relationship not working and it took me a couple years to rebuild my sense of self that had been decimated. His apology to me 15 years ago via a Facebook message was both insulting and hilarious. I'd never received a non-apology apology, so a non-reply reply was all I could muster. I crowdsourced a response from my friends. One friend was beside himself with amusement that I copied and pasted his suggestion into the message. Future messages were also met with my brief, benign responses. I'm not sure why I responded, perhaps because I am too nice. It's something I'm working on. I did eventually block him, but then deleted my Facebook later (see previous post).

My 20s were uneventful (I don't count that dude who wouldn't stop pursuing me or taking no for an answer, so I hung out with him briefly, pretty much as friends, when my friends were in Europe for the summer. He said I spent time with him because I was bored. I balked, but he was right.), chasing the wrong boys, a pattern I'd follow the next couple of decades. It was a quest for validation and to be chosen and perpetually going stag to friends' weddings was humiliating. However, I honestly never saw myself in the white dress. Or even having the 2.3 kids. The whole concept of finding someone and marrying them became foreign to me. And kids? Partly not wanting to mess up a new human due to my unresolved issues and just not seeing myself as a mother and wanting to do my own thing, plus my inability to interact with children on any other level than a short adult, I'm cool with how that turned out.

My 30s took me to a new city for a job and an opportunity to start my life and self over. At 33, having not really dated since I was 21, I didn't realize I was going on date-like hangs (I have several male friends and never learned how to recognize interest) with an intolerable dude who thought I'd be down to be FWB, which blew my mind. I didn't know I could be seen like that and I was insulted. What followed was a series of crushes and bad choices in potential suitors, all in the quest to be validated and chosen, to no longer be on my own. I had long been indoctrinated by the stories humans tell each other, many of which are in fact fairy tales. I experimented with putting the "right signals" out there to attract a man, but those felt too foreign to me. Why couldn't I just be myself? It was then that I met the man who was my second relationship. I had already fallen hard by the time I found out he was dealing with some very serious issues, the kind I would run away from today, but by then, I had my hopes and dreams tied up in him and couldn't let go. Months of push-pull and doubt ended after a friend gave me the best advice: "Play it out," so I did. After seeing what reality would be like, I broke things off for good about 3.5 months later. On my birthday. It took me a couple years to heal my broken heart, dissolution of dreams, and him choosing something else and not me. We tried to be friends years later, but it was either too soon for him or he lacked capacity in general to treat me with compassionate respect.

Closing in on and into my 40s, I had learned more about the male species and the rituals of dating and relationships. A couple opportunities found me, but it was too soon after that last relationship, but I did start to notice the proverbial red flags in people. Then, my interest in a really solid man, that had potential for a couple days, fell flat due to his wanting to see what would happen with someone he had just started spending time with. Understandable. They wound up marrying. Happy for him. My taste seemed to be improving, but then online dating happened. Several one-off dates, followed mostly by being ghosted, then a couple (what the kids call) situationships. One broke it off with me via email (not ghosted, I was furious at first, but he did lack capacity in many respects), the other was more kind, delivered in a phone call, then a meeting at my request. I cried, not because I really liked him, but the exhaustion of my continued run of bad luck all around. After a few more online dates and an increasing amusement and intolerance for how things usually played out, I met the man who was my last relationship. When I showed his picture to my friends early on, one commented that he had a kind face. He is kind. We got along really well. We had a shared love of travel and cats. We also went through some difficult times together, both of us having serious medical issues followed by the death of a parent, and other difficulty that we managed to get through. He also stood by me for several years as I navigated a difficult situation that broke me. It all bonded us, even though that last thing affected our relationship. We were the best of friends and that's how things ended in 2023. I actually broke things off a few months before a big European trip we had planned. But I still wanted to go with him. He was one of my best friends and I wanted to show him the world I spent part of my childhood in and loved desperately. There were things both of us did or did not do that resulted in the relationship not being successful. I can't be mad at him for not being who I wanted him to be because I wasn't who I wanted to be and probably didn't give him what he needed. For all the not so good parts, it was my most "normal" relationship to date. Nice to finally have one that didn't fuck with my head. Patterns imprinted in my nervous system needed to be broken, but I didn't realize it yet. In 2025, I emerged from years of self-doubt and loathing due to my difficult situation. I had regained my lost confidence, knew I was the bomb.com, and I was noticing things about myself left and right. I was also about 1.5 years out of the relationship. We were still the best of friends and had our weekly Wednesday hangout when we'd talk and then watch a shared, favorite TV show. He was exploring his life away from me and eventually started a new relationship and I wanted to give them, and me, space. I realized I hadn't fully broken my reliance on him. The reliance wasn't me wanting to get back together with him, but a security blanket. I realized I needed to break that link and be my own blanket. I was able to break that old bond, but we then forged a new one. I am my own security blanket now, but he's there too when I need him, like for a medical appointment when I need someone to go with me or when I'm trying to process a confusing situation. I'm also there for him, too, whenever he needs me. Our talks gets super deep, we need to lighten up sometimes.

Since the time that I met him, [online] dating has gotten even worse and bad behavior has gotten further entrenched and accepted in society. And then there is the whole "male loneliness epidemic." I hear horror stories from friends on men's bad behaviors. I did recently express interest in someone that I've known for awhile. I am trying to live my life to seek out opportunities and not stay in a state of not knowing. Do what your future self wants you to do. Gotta shoot your shot, they say. So I did. And he ghosted me. It confused the hell out of me. I mean, I've been ghosted plenty, by random dudes I met a week ago through online dating, but it's never happened from someone I've known for awhile. That's a thing? Apparently so. A ”thanks but no thanks,” sure, but silence? I soon found myself reflecting on all matters related to dating in general and my past experiences, which led to this post.

<rant tl;dr>This reflection made me think of the insulting "advice" that women are given, and then give each other, after being ghosted or tepid situationships. Like "He's just not that into you" which I've always been pissed about and the current refrain of "If he wanted to, he would." Full stop, end of advice, no compassionate coda. Instead you get “What’s your problem, ladies? Get over it already!” While these phrases are accurate and provide clarity, they are also hot takes based in, you guessed it, patriarchal bullshit that minimizes women’s emotions and gives men a pass on their bad behavior which translates into: “I don’t like you and you aren’t valuable enough for me to be honest.” Fellas, that awkward feeling you’re avoiding will only last a second and, while I'm not a big fan of texting these kinds of things, technology has made this easy for you. I do acknowledge that there could be understandable reasons why someone ghosts, but they could also be a shitty person. Though ghosting is perpetrated by all genders, could this avoidant behavior be ingrained in men due to learned behaviors instilled in them from patriarchal conditioning? Do some women ghost because they are just exhausted in the dating world? Some may also ghost for safety reasons. We all exhibit behaviors based on crappy stuff we experienced or were conditioned with (work in progress here) but ghosting is still uncool and disrespectful. Note, ghosting as the result of someone [potentially] harming you is the one exception to this rule. I'm not saying that ghosting is a major offense, it's a drop in the bucket. But as someone who has a couple buckets full of water, ghosting is a definite ping to the nervous system and my most recent experience with it got my attention. I have heard discussions of the barrage of inconsistent behaviors directed towards women by men can wreak havoc on their nervous systems and even general health and I see my yesterday self in these other women in the comments section. Being ghosted isn't something I really thought much about in the past, other than having that initial "Ouch" and thinking I did something wrong or wasn't "enough," but I have gained clarity in the past year about who I am. My brief nervous system short circuit after this last ghosting experience made me immediately realize, though after a moment of "what did I do?" that something wasn't right and the behavior directed towards me had nothing to do with me because I'm a pretty great human being. Heck, I believe my nervous system even knew something was up the second after I shot my shot and, upon reflection, I realized my conditioning prevented me from predicting this scenario despite earlier inklings. Always pay attention to what your body is telling you. I’m actually glad I was ghosted in this situation. It was the reality check I needed and opened my eyes fully to these patriarchal behaviors permeating interactions between men and women. They are stamped on all of our nervous systems. I do want to close this rant by saying the following: Gentlemen [ladies too], I say this with genuine compassion: I recommend that you analyze your reasons and patterns for any inconsistent behavior and fix yourself. It's really not a good look. You're welcome, in advance. </rant tl;dr>

All in all, humans are messy. We are flawed. Most of us are doing the best we can with what we've been given. Breaking out of that pattern can be difficult, but once you realize, maybe with an "oh shit!" moment like I did, that it is a pattern assigned to you from birth, you get angry at the time you previously wasted, and start seeing everyone around you very differently. It looks exhausting. You then realize how exhausted and uncomfortable you were and how much lighter you are becoming as you begin seeing the world and yourself more clearly.

Since my last relationship, I really haven't had the strong desire to "find someone" or "put myself out there" like I had in days of yore. I think that's where we all can get ourselves in trouble. It may be necessary to establish what we are looking for, but with the conditioning and programming that experiences and the patriarchy do to us, are we really going to find what we really need by participating in these games? There are superficial traits like education, financial stability, "good looks," humor, etc., but when you really think about it, none of these mean anything unless you like and love yourself and are living your life for you first. You then realize your worth from not being associated with a role and you figure out what you really require from someone that adds to, not completes, your life, because you on your own are whole and enough for you. And hopefully you’ll find someone who feels the same way about themselves. That's when things get solid. I think. I hope. I’m still figuring all of this out. Otherwise, you may be cosplaying yourself. I’m not saying you have to be fully fixed or self-actualized to be in a relationship, but odds are in your favor to have a potentially successful relationship if your eyes are open and you are on the path to loving yourself. The only person in your head is you.

My 5th grade Valentine and I sat next to each other at our high school graduation. Alphabetical order, remember? We hadn't interacted much as the years in school progressed, so it was nice to end it all with him sitting next to me. The one thing I remember is this advice, which he may have given to me at some other moment, but I like to remember it happening at this one. He told me that whatever guy I wind up with, to make sure he knows how to change the oil on a car. If he knows how to do that, he'll likely know how to fix lots of things and will be good to have around. I know there probably wasn’t a deeper, hidden meaning in all of that, but I like to think there was.

My current strategy in life is to do the things that I enjoy and direct my energy to people who appreciate me for me and match my energy. A friend said to me recently that I need to be alone for one year. I reminded her that I've been single for over 2.5 years now, but she retorted with the fact that I just woke up from the patriarchy. Fair enough, you can note my rage in this post. While I have noticed obvious signs of the patriarchy throughout my life, I did recently recognize its insidious nature, woven into the fabric of our entire society. I’ve also learned that not everyone deserves a seat at my table. I am a compassionate person and have allowed others to cross my boundaries in the past, but I’m learning that I can be compassionate and not a pushover. As I explore new connections, I even think my inherent shyness is disappearing and I'm finally not in such a rush. I do want to find my "forever person," humans are wired that way and I am no different, and I may want to get married one day, unless I change my mind regarding the social construct of it all. I'm also forever thankful to other women who amplify these dysfunctions and I'm glad I figured it out before I do "get back out there." I don’t know why women finally figure these things out in menopause but I’m sure it has something to do with that patriarchal bullshit. But, in the meantime, I'm doing my best to enjoy life, work on the spots that need work, and put some of my light out into the world, because I sparkle like glitter as it gets all over the place and you are continually finding it all over the place.